23/3

26Mar08

eh. today, i can’t be bothered to write in capitals. because i’m tired and i feel kinda in between depressed and sad, and sleepy. you get the idea. um. hkys. performance. i wanted to watch hkyso but then there’s this stupid choir thingie in between. stupid choir. retarded arthur. perveted arthur.

err. stupid worthless rehearsal in the morning, made me wake up at 7am which makes me grumpy and makes me feel HORRIBLE.

the bad thing was, he isn’t there. i’m looking and looking right in front of me and DAMN IT, he’s not there. like he should be.

i’m quitting hkys next year. i have to choose between hkyso and sailing with my parents on sundays. if i continue hkys next year, i am going to commit suicide, but at the same time i get sailing. if i go to hkyso i can’t go sailing unless for any holidays and stuff. and if i don’t go to hkyso and go to sailing, then mabye next year i can cough, “gain more weight” and change sailing to saturdays and also go to hkyso. i want to go NOW. i hate hkys so badly. argh. no way i’m going back. feeling all horrible right now.

this is stupid. all i want to do is be with YOU. but you’re not there, you’re not anywhere, you’re not even in hkyso. ohshit.

afternoon. msn-ing amelia. 100$b shop. pretty fun.

got a comment on my say-so: “carisse, i fucking love you”. hm.

iloveyou.

i wish i could see all the people i love and be reassured that they’re there for me. IF they are, that is. mabye they’re not. mabye i’m alone in this world. HE abandoned me, so why shouldn’t he now?

i’m walking along the promenade, dressed in all the clothes, thinking of that moment we looked at each other, and i’m in the same clothes, same place, same time. except you aren’t there.

oh james. where are you?

month’s “resolutions”:
1) stop eating junk food.
2) that’s it.
3) forget about him.
4) SEE HIM.

i went to the bookstore today in central. dymocks. stupid ‘eclipse’ book is $190. dude. i had…$200. PUT IT IN THE LIBRARY!

hkyso/sailing. oh jesus, what are you making me do? i effing want to do both so much. you suck, jesus.

you know, choosing between hkyso and sailing is the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make so far, even including choosing between violin and piano, a decision i have to make later in my life.

ohwhyohwhyohwhy.
whereareyou?

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